elvenpiratelady | Things I am not allowed to do in The Silmarillion

There are Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts and at the PPC, so I thought Tolkien needed some too. Suggest more things in the comments!

1. I am not allowed to make blonde jokes within earshot of the Vanyar.

- or Finarfin’s family.

- or the House of Hador.

- In fact, no blonde jokes at all.

2. I am not allowed to make/teach Mandos to TALK LIKE THIS.

3. Melian, Luthien and Galadriel are not Bene Gesserit.
- But we can still read your minds.
- Ahem. Moving on.

4. I am not allowed to send Morgoth and/or Sauron the Evil Overlord List.

5. I am not allowed to give them access to bad fanfiction, either. Morgoth is inventive enough as it is.

6. Neither Morgoth nor Sauron are Voldemort or Darth Vader.

7. During the Dagor Bragollach, I am not allowed to sing ‘Ring of Fire’, ‘Disco Inferno’, or any other song with fire-related imagery.

8. I am not allowed to teach the Teleri to sing ‘In the Navy’.
- Or the score from ‘The HMS Pinafore’.
- Or ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.

9. The same goes for the Numenoreans. And I am not allowed to play ‘Who Wants To Live Forever’ whenever they’re around.

10. I am not allowed to play ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’ at Maedhros when he’s hanging from Thangorodrim.

11. The Seven Sons of Fëanor are just that. They are not the Seven Samurai, the Magnificent Seven (but this is subject to change), the Seven Dwarves or the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World (also subject to change).

12. I am not allowed to ask Yavanna ‘why the Giver of Fruits doesn’t have bigger melons’. It didn’t work for Merry and Pippin in ‘Bagenders’, and it won’t work for me.

13. Also, while Yavanna is the Valië of all that grows on the earth, she is not Gaia and I am not allowed to create Captain Arda and the Ardateers.

14. I am not allowed to ask Varda if the Big Bang was what happened when the Ainur first discovered sex.
- And I am definitely not allowed to ask what happened before the Big Bang unless I am absolutely sure that my brain would be better melted and dunked in acid.

15. I am not allowed to give black clothes, eyeliner, razor-blades or Simple Plan CDs to any of the following:
- Túrin.
- Túrin’s father.
- Túrin’s mother.
- Túrin’s sisters.
- All right, anyone connected to Túrin.
- Maeglin.
- Maglor.
- Daeron.
- Nienna.

16. Turning Elves into orcs does not involve making them read badfic.

17. Whenever two or more of Finwë’s grandchildren are mentioned, I am not allowed to make comments about them being “Cousin. Cousin. Totally my cousin. Cousin. In conclusion: cousin.”

18. Gondolin is not Castle Anthrax.
- and neither is Nargothrond.
- or Menegroth.
- on that note, none of them are Swamp Castle either.

19. I am not allowed to play ‘It’s The End Of The World As We Know It’ when the Dagor Dagorath occurs.

20. I am not allowed to climb on Glaurung or Ancalagon’s back and demand that they fly me wherever I wish.
- And I am not allowed to claim that ‘your cousins in Pern let me ride them all the time’.
- If I do, the 4th-degree burns will be my own damn fault.

21. Manwë’s eagles are not carrier pigeons, and I am not allowed to address them as such.
- Nor are they X-wing fighters.

22. Mandos is not Hades, Ulmo is not Poseidon, and Manwë is definitely not Zeus.
- And I am not allowed to send Varda stories about all of Zeus’ lovers.
- Especially not with helpful hints about how to get revenge.
- Unless I want to pay for the marriage counselling out of my own pocket.

23. Ulmo is not Triton, Uinen is not Ariel, and Tuor is not Eric.
- No matter how amusing it is to see Ossë with a Jamaican accent.

24. And in a similar vein, Ulmo is not Neptune, Uinen is not Mindy, and Tuor is not Spongebob.
- And Voronwë is not Patrick.
- And Maeglin is not Plankton.

25. I am not allowed to push Balrogs off cliffs just to see if they have wings.
- No, not even if I get Glorfindel to do it for me.

26. ‘Romeo and Juliet’, while a nice song, can not be substituted for the Lay of Leithian.

27. Speaking of the Lay of Leithian, ‘release from bondage’ is not an Elvish way of saying BDSM.
- No matter how good Lúthien would look in that dominatrix outfit.

28. If Lúthien’s sueish tendencies get too much for me, I will think twice before attempting to kill a half-goddess armed with a Silmaril, a loving and very accomplished warrior husband, and a father who is king of the Sindar.

29. I am not allowed to ask Cirdan why he doesn’t wear a peg leg, an eye-patch or a parrot.
- And I am not allowed to ask him if he’s killed any albatross lately.

30. Beleg and Mablung are not Starsky and Hutch, Batman and Robin, Holmes and Watson, or any other famous crime-fighting duo.

31. I am not allowed to sing ‘Blinded By The Light’ when the Calaquendi are around.

32. The Moriquendi are not Drow.

33. None of the Elves answer to ‘Dobby’.

34. ‘Ereinion’ means ‘the scion of kings’. It does not mean that Gil-galad is Elvis.
- And I am not allowed to dress him up like that.
- Even if Elrond enjoyed it.

35. I am not allowed to send Elrond and Elros a book of pranks.
- The same goes for Elured and Elurin.
- Especially for Amrod and Amras. The world already has one pair of mischievous red-haired twins, and it doesn’t need another.

36. I am not allowed to make the leaders of the Noldor, the Sindar and the Edain form the Middle-Earth Justice League.
- Not even if they look bloody fantastic in spandex.
- Not even if their wives let me.
- Not even if they let me.

37. I am not allowed to refer to the Silmarils as ‘those tacky disco ball lightbulb thingies’ around any of the Fëanorians unless I want a finely-crafted Noldor sword through my head.

38. Magical Trevor is not one of the Ainur or the Maiar.
– and neither is Tim the Enchanter.
– or the Wicked Witch of the West.
– or Dumbledore.
– or Obi-Wan Kenobi.
– or Merlin.