Things I am not allowed to do in The Silmarillion

[elvenpiratelady]

There are Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts and at the PPC, so I thought Tolkien needed some too. Suggest more things in the comments!

1. I am not allowed to make blonde jokes within earshot of the Vanyar.

- or Finarfin’s family.

- or the House of Hador.

- In fact, no blonde jokes at all.

2. I am not allowed to make/teach Mandos to TALK LIKE THIS.

3. Melian, Luthien and Galadriel are not Bene Gesserit.
- But we can still read your minds.
- Ahem. Moving on.

4. I am not allowed to send Morgoth and/or Sauron the Evil Overlord List.

5. I am not allowed to give them access to bad fanfiction, either. Morgoth is inventive enough as it is.

6. Neither Morgoth nor Sauron are Voldemort or Darth Vader.

7. During the Dagor Bragollach, I am not allowed to sing ‘Ring of Fire’, ‘Disco Inferno’, or any other song with fire-related imagery.

8. I am not allowed to teach the Teleri to sing ‘In the Navy’.
- Or the score from ‘The HMS Pinafore’.
- Or ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.

9. The same goes for the Numenoreans. And I am not allowed to play ‘Who Wants To Live Forever’ whenever they’re around.

10. I am not allowed to play ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’ at Maedhros when he’s hanging from Thangorodrim.

11. The Seven Sons of Fëanor are just that. They are not the Seven Samurai, the Magnificent Seven (but this is subject to change), the Seven Dwarves or the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World (also subject to change).

12. I am not allowed to ask Yavanna ‘why the Giver of Fruits doesn’t have bigger melons’. It didn’t work for Merry and Pippin in ‘Bagenders’, and it won’t work for me.

13. Also, while Yavanna is the Valië of all that grows on the earth, she is not Gaia and I am not allowed to create Captain Arda and the Ardateers.

14. I am not allowed to ask Varda if the Big Bang was what happened when the Ainur first discovered sex.
- And I am definitely not allowed to ask what happened before the Big Bang unless I am absolutely sure that my brain would be better melted and dunked in acid.

15. I am not allowed to give black clothes, eyeliner, razor-blades or Simple Plan CDs to any of the following:
- Túrin.
- Túrin’s father.
- Túrin’s mother.
- Túrin’s sisters.
- All right, anyone connected to Túrin.
- Maeglin.
- Maglor.
- Daeron.
- Nienna.

16. Turning Elves into orcs does not involve making them read badfic.

17. Whenever two or more of Finwë’s grandchildren are mentioned, I am not allowed to make comments about them being “Cousin. Cousin. Totally my cousin. Cousin. In conclusion: cousin.”

18. Gondolin is not Castle Anthrax.
- and neither is Nargothrond.
- or Menegroth.
- on that note, none of them are Swamp Castle either.

19. I am not allowed to play ‘It’s The End Of The World As We Know It’ when the Dagor Dagorath occurs.

20. I am not allowed to climb on Glaurung or Ancalagon’s back and demand that they fly me wherever I wish.
- And I am not allowed to claim that ‘your cousins in Pern let me ride them all the time’.
- If I do, the 4th-degree burns will be my own damn fault.

21. Manwë’s eagles are not carrier pigeons, and I am not allowed to address them as such.
- Nor are they X-wing fighters.

22. Mandos is not Hades, Ulmo is not Poseidon, and Manwë is definitely not Zeus.
- And I am not allowed to send Varda stories about all of Zeus’ lovers.
- Especially not with helpful hints about how to get revenge.
- Unless I want to pay for the marriage counselling out of my own pocket.

23. Ulmo is not Triton, Uinen is not Ariel, and Tuor is not Eric.
- No matter how amusing it is to see Ossë with a Jamaican accent.

24. And in a similar vein, Ulmo is not Neptune, Uinen is not Mindy, and Tuor is not Spongebob.
- And Voronwë is not Patrick.
- And Maeglin is not Plankton.

25. I am not allowed to push Balrogs off cliffs just to see if they have wings.
- No, not even if I get Glorfindel to do it for me.

26. ‘Romeo and Juliet’, while a nice song, can not be substituted for the Lay of Leithian.

27. Speaking of the Lay of Leithian, ‘release from bondage’ is not an Elvish way of saying BDSM.
- No matter how good Lúthien would look in that dominatrix outfit.

28. If Lúthien’s sueish tendencies get too much for me, I will think twice before attempting to kill a half-goddess armed with a Silmaril, a loving and very accomplished warrior husband, and a father who is king of the Sindar.

29. I am not allowed to ask Cirdan why he doesn’t wear a peg leg, an eye-patch or a parrot. 
- And I am not allowed to ask him if he’s killed any albatross lately.

30. Beleg and Mablung are not Starsky and Hutch, Batman and Robin, Holmes and Watson, or any other famous crime-fighting duo.

31. I am not allowed to sing ‘Blinded By The Light’ when the Calaquendi are around.

32. The Moriquendi are not Drow.

33. None of the Elves answer to ‘Dobby’.

34. ‘Ereinion’ means ‘the scion of kings’. It does not mean that Gil-galad is Elvis.
- And I am not allowed to dress him up like that.
- Even if Elrond enjoyed it.

35. I am not allowed to send Elrond and Elros a book of pranks.
- The same goes for Elured and Elurin.
- Especially for Amrod and Amras. The world already has one pair of mischievous red-haired twins, and it doesn’t need another.

36. I am not allowed to make the leaders of the Noldor, the Sindar and the Edain form the Middle-Earth Justice League.
- Not even if they look bloody fantastic in spandex.
- Not even if their wives let me.
- Not even if they let me.

37. I am not allowed to refer to the Silmarils as ‘those tacky disco ball lightbulb thingies’ around any of the Fëanorians unless I want a finely-crafted Noldor sword through my head.

38. Magical Trevor is not one of the Ainur or the Maiar.
– and neither is Tim the Enchanter.
– or the Wicked Witch of the West.
– or Dumbledore.
– or Obi-Wan Kenobi.
– or Merlin.

 

Comments

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

XDDD

So much win! Ohh, I really need to read the Silmarillion again... some day... good times, good times. Now I feel I must represent the Feanorians and make a few things clear...

1. I am not allowed to make blonde jokes within earshot of the Vanyar.

This is good advice. They're a sensitive bunch.

3. Melian, Luthien and Galadriel are not Bene Gesserit.

THE SPICE MUST FLOW. XD

Now that I've out-geeked myself...

10. I am not allowed to play ‘Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life’ at Maedhros when he’s hanging from Thangorodrim.

I don't know, I'm sure it would've given him a boost!

11. The Seven Sons of Fëanor are just that. They are not the Seven Samurai, the Magnificent Seven (but this is subject to change), the Seven Dwarves or the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World (also subject to change).

They are all of these, AND SO MUCH MORE. Well, they were. Before they got themselves killed. So really, I guess they just suck. :( Except for Maglor, clearly.

18. Gondolin is not Castle Anthrax.
- and neither is Nargothrond.

This is debatable.

37. I am not allowed to refer to the Silmarils as ‘those tacky disco ball lightbulb thingies’ around any of the Fëanorians unless I want a finely-crafted Noldor sword through my head.

Don't worry, we're used to mindless hatred! *sobs*

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

I'm glad somebody else understood the Dune ref! :D I thought playing the song at Maedhros would have really annoyed him. Maybe if he had someone to sing it with... Glad you enjoyed them!

[sandtree.livejournal.com]

Maglor could have stood down there and sang it with him, since Maglor was such an amazing singer, but I guess he was too busy not saving him to do it.

[gundamkiwi.livejournal.com]

These are brilliant. Just...brilliant. I lmao'd. XD

Now I need to go find my copy of the Silm and reread. :3

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed them, and yes, you need to go and reread it. :D

[oozaru-angel.livejournal.com]

Fantastic! Utterly fantastic! However... I am rather offended by the slight against Hurin and Morwen in number 15. It's not their fault their kids was 'orrible emo blighters!


I adore #36 of course. King Thranduil could be Batman!

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Don't get me wrong, I love Hurin and Morwen. (So much so that I signed up to write fifty fics about Turin... < / plug > ) but I think they could all do with a good angst now and then. It's very therapeutic.

King Thranduil could be Batman!

Sure you don't mean Thingol? :P

[oozaru-angel.livejournal.com]

Well, they'd need a few leaders from different times, wouldn't they? Otherwise they'd only end up with about *counts on her fingers* Four members?

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Right, fair enough.

[boz4pm.livejournal.com]

*ROFLMAO*

I am not allowed to create Captain Arda and the Ardateers.
I LOLed. Lots.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Thankyou! I will draw it one day, I promise...

[cat-empress.livejournal.com]

This is so much win. Now, I have something to say.

17. Yes, you are. In fact, it is positively required. In particular when referring to Maedhros and Fingon. I read this and realised that you haven't been exposed to the crack that is Totally Cousins, the elven boyband. I am not quite sure whether this is a good or a bad thing.

All in all, Monty Python, Discworld, Star Wars, multiple various fandom references, very nice.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Link plz? :P

Glad you enjoyed it.

[cat-empress.livejournal.com]

Ooops, sorry. Link here at coppertone's journal. Actually, check out her Silm related memories. They are awesomely cracked out.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

*has died laughing* I love Maedhros bartending in the dark. :D

[aspenjules.livejournal.com]

Found my way here thanks to Boz.

LOLed a LOT. I especially enjoyed #8 and #9.

#27 and #36 were great as well.

Thanks for the giggles!

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

I'm glad everyone is having so much fun with them! :D

[pankaks.livejournal.com]

hahahaha. you just made my day :P

"Gondolin is not Castle Anthrax.
- and neither is Nargothrond.
- or Menegroth.
- on that note, none of them are Swamp Castle either"

LOL

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Everything is better with Monty Python! I'm glad you like them.

[niggsyisabore.livejournal.com]

You are evil, as I read #14 I just had a cup of tea to my lips and narrowly avoided disaster!

Same thing just happened for #18 ¬_¬

These are hilarious! XD

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Sorry 'bout the tea, I share your pain. (And I guess your keyboard hates me now.) :P

[niggsyisabore.livejournal.com]

oh, don't worry, the disaster was avoided and the monitor and keyboard were not sprayed with tea, but I came pretty close to having a mouth full of tea when I started laughing XD

Love that icon, by the way, that has to be from the Muppets, yes?

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Yes, it's the Yipyips when they meet the telephone. It's made by beetle_breath if you want it.

[stringertheory.livejournal.com]

39. I am not allowed to show up right after something horrible/tragic/devastating has just happened, say 'Bad luck, that', and offer tea to all.
- No matter if tea is the solution to all problems.

(To go along with #6) 40. I am not allowed to hum the Imperial March whenever Morgoth and/or Sauron enter a room.

41. I am not allowed to teach Cirdan to use 'savvy' or to sing 'Yo, Ho (A Pirate's Life For Me).'

Meh, that's all I've got for now. ;P

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

I am not allowed to hum the Imperial March whenever Morgoth and/or Sauron enter a room.

HOW COULD I FORGET THAT?! Thanks for reminding me, and for the other suggestions. :D

[stringertheory.livejournal.com]

Welcome! This was hilarious (and much needed ;P).

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Icon love!

[saphychronicler.livejournal.com]

14. I am not allowed to ask Varda if the Big Bang was what happened when the Ainur first discovered sex.

*dies of laughing* XD

This is the best list I've ever read. *adds to Memories*

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Oh, stop it, you're making me blush. :P Glad they amused.

here via Boz

[citharadraconis.livejournal.com]

OMG MAGICAL TREVOR. XD

This list is made of love and win. Thank you for making my night.

Re: here via Boz

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Everyone loves Magical Trevor! :D

[sune-kitty.livejournal.com]

Squee! That just made my day!

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Hee, thanks.

[elea24.livejournal.com]

This is a really great list! XD I laughed so hard at #22, #35 and #36.

Magical Trevor is pure win. I would question him not being a Maia though because if he isn't then who told the badgers to go to Helms Deep? ;)

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

That's very true! I'm glad you enjoyed them.

[elea24.livejournal.com]

Ooo oo oo *bounces*

What if he's Radagast?! That would explain the badgers! *giggles*

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

Yes, it would! *ponders*

[little-baldwin.livejournal.com]

Bene Gesserit? Dune reference, anyone? XD Also, 15 = YES. Or, NO, depending on which way you look at it. :P

And I actually think you're wrong about 16. XD Great job.

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

I'm not a Dune fan myself, but my brother has watched the old-school Lynch film enough times that I know my way around the basics. Everyone connected to Turin ends up with a bit of emoness.

Well, I might have been wrong about 16, but I'm sure it's not the traditional way of making them into orcs... :D

[morethmusing.livejournal.com]

Rotfl

8. I am not allowed to teach the Teleri to sing ‘In the Navy’.
- Or the score from ‘The HMS Pinafore’.
- Or ‘The Pirates of Penzance’.

Another for your song references:

I am not allowed to play "This is not The Greatest Song in the World" during the Ainulindalë
-or encourage Melkor to do so

[elvenpiratelady.livejournal.com]

That's the one by Tenacious D, isn't it? *snerk* Glad you enjoyed it.