elvenpiratelady

[(In one of Thranduil’s halls: El is happily downloading the latest fic and humming something slightly offkey. Thranduil and Haldir are taking swigs from a large bottle with the air of someone waiting to be executed, with occasional disgruntled mutterings.)

El: Got it! Ready to start?

Thranduil and Haldir: *cheer weakly*

El: *notices the bottle* You’re not drunk, are you? Because if you think you can get out of this by getting completely smashed you’ve got another think coming…

Thranduil: Not drunk, jus’ preparing. Need protective layer of… *squints at bottle* ‘Hobbiton Home Brewed Ale’?

Haldir: Yeuch. No wonder I’m craving mushrooms.

El: Don’t know why you’d touch that, personally. Isn’t that the stuff that’s meant to make hair grow on your feet?

Haldir and Thranduil: *look at bottle in alarm* *pull off boots to inspect their feet*

El: *starts the fic while they are occupied*]

Reforge

[Haldir: Reforge what?

Thranduil: Dunno. Something.]

A/N: Twin angst twin angst twin angst angst angst!

[El: *monotone* Oh. How joyous. Be still, my heart.

Thranduil: Ah, din’t say which twins tho’. Could be Elrond an’ Elros…

Haldir: Elladan and Elrohir…

Thranduil: Elured and Elurin…

El: I think that family has too many sets of twins, really. Not healthy at all.]

I decided to try something new and write an angst story entirely about Elladan and Elrohir

[El: Bugger.

Haldir: But only ‘bout them? No parents?

Thranduil: No Rivendell?

Haldir: No Arda to live in?

El: They won’t have much to angst about, I guess. *beams* Unless they’re stuck in the void with Morgoth… oh. Oh dear.]

(Legolas will be in it later, but you can’t ask to much of me eh?).

[El: I ask that you don’t write badfic!

Thranduil: Dammit. Why Leg’las?

Haldir: *dripping sarcasm* ‘Cos, y’know, they’re all young elvies and mischief-makers so ‘course they’re best friends! *rolls eyes*

El: We should be glad this isn’t one of the ones where the twins and Legolas and Aragorn are all about six and play pranks on everyone together.]

Well, anyways, please review it makes my day a happy one and I won’t write more until I get some reviews. Enjoy :)

[*much abuse and dirty hand gestures*]

It was an all-out shouting match.

[Thranduil: What was?

El: The AN was the last thing mentioned.

Haldir: But she didn’t shout.

El: So the author has short-term memory loss or is a pathological liar.

Haldir: What?

El: I said, the author has short-term memory loss or is a pathological liar.

Haldir: What?

El: *narrows eyes*

Thranduil: *snickers*]

Elladan was standing at one end of the hall, with Elrohir at the other.

[El: Which hall?

Thranduil: Dunt say. Could be two different halls.

El: So they’re having a conversation in two different buildings…

Haldir: In two different places.

El: Geez, no wonder they had to shout…

*sniggering*]

Both were shouting, both were very red in the face.

[Haldir: Well, they would be. Having to project their voices that far and all that.

Thranduil: Voice projecting? So they’re opera singers or summat?

El: Yes! Warming up for a performance, and their faces are red because they’re wearing stage makeup!

Thranduil: What’re they performing?

Haldir: Probably something from the Silmarillion. ‘S all a big opera, really.

El: *starts giggling* *mutters something about ‘nude renditions of Silmarillion: The Musical’*

Thranduil and Haldir: *look at her oddly*

El: ‘Could not bear to watch, myself. Far too many high kicks.’ *giggles* *notices them staring at her* Very Secret Diaries. Don’t ask.

Thranduil: We won’t.

El: But back to the twins being opera singers. They’re not singing, they’re shouting. Aren’t elves supposed to be musical?

Thranduil: As a general rule, yes…

Haldir: But they were off putting beetles in the beds when musical talent was being handed out.

Thranduil: *looks pained* I still remember that incident at Glorfindel’s begetting day party…

Haldir: Oh Mandos, yes. I didn’t think it was possible for an elf’s face to go that grey…

El: *intrigued* What happened?

Haldir: He got blind drunk and threatened to strangle them with their own tongues if they didn’t stop, and I quote, ‘castrating that balrog with a rusty spoon’.

Thranduil: So we got him even more blind drunk and Elrond made the twins swear on their fëa never to try something like that again.]

Elrond was not quite sure how it had started.

[Thranduil: *scowls* He’s never sure how things start. ‘How did Gil-Galad die, Elrond?’ ‘Well, I’m not really sure.’ ‘Why wasn’t Sauron defeated, Elrond?’ ‘I’m afraid I don’t know.’ ‘How did the One Ring survive, Elrond?’ ‘I wasn’t there, I can’t tell you.’ *mutters darkly* Tosser.

El: That tosser’s daughter married the King of Gondor and Arnor, you know.

Haldir: Yeah, but their family always did that. ‘s in the blood.]

What he did know is that the twins had never fought anywhere near so badly.

[El: But opera singers wear stage makeup and yell like that all the time.

*shrugging*]

It had been during dinner, and the two had suddenly started yelling at each other.

[Haldir: They could’ve just suddenly gone deaf, y’know. Long way apart and all that.

*sniggering*]

The argument had escalated quickly,

[El: I don’t remember escalators in Rivendell.

Thranduil: They redid it a while ago. Now some huge smegging shopping centre.

Haldir: I still don’t think they can compete with the Gap of Rohan. *grins*

El and Thranduil: *roll eyes*]

and no one in the room had ever seen either of them so angry.

[Thranduil: So they are in one room?

El: Bloody ginormous room.

Haldir: I can think of a place that big…

Thranduil: You’re suggesting they’re in the halls of Mandos?

El: At least they can’t try to off themselves.]

Elladan, it seemed, was much more enraged than Elrohir, who appeared very close to tears.

[Thranduil: So if an elf is crying they can’t be angry?

El: Nonsense. Elrohir’s a Snae. Or a Snat. Or a Snan.

Haldir: Should I ask?

El: Sensitive new age elf, Sensitive new age twin, Sensitive new age noldo.]

Aragorn was quite astounded at the twin’s behavior.

[Thranduil: *blinks* What is Aragorn doing there?

El: APOSTROPHE POSTION, DAMMIT!

Haldir: It could refer to only one twin.

El: But it doesn’t specify which twin or which behaviour. Which would imply that the author intented for it to mean both twins, which means it’s an apostrophe in the wrong place.

Thranduil: I suppose Aragorn would be astounded if a non-specific twin acted in a non-specific way.

El: And Aragorn would be at least a century premature when the twins were acting like this. *considers* Unless she means Aragorn I.

Thranduil: Unlikely.]

Elrond could tell he wanted to run and stop them more then anything,

[El: More than anything, surely?

Haldir: No, no, clearly she means that Aragorn’s ready to do anything after stopping them from fighting.

El: So she’s saying Aragorn hasn’t got anything specific planned after stopping the twins, which the readers could have assumed anyway.*shakes fist at screen* You’re making yourself redundant, you know!

Thranduil: Why do you sound so surprised?]

but the older elf gave him a warning look and shook his head.

[*sudden silence*

Thranduil: THE OLDER WHAT?

Haldir: How dare she? How bloody dare she?

El: She’s turned Aragorn into an Elf?

Thranduil and Haldir: *are promising to do all manner of nasty things to the author*

El: Badfic has sunk to a new depth. First Legolas is a Maia, now Aragorn’s an Elf…

Thranduil and Haldir: *blink* *stare at her*

El: You heard me. A Maia in disguise sent to help the Fellowship. Hell of a god complex, I know…

Haldir: *thwaps her* Bad pun! No biscuit!

Thranduil: *is speechless*]

He had long ago decided it was better for them to work it out on their own than to try and intervene, although now he was considering changing his mind.

[El: *thoughtful expression*

Haldir: What are you doing?

El: Being Elrond. I’m mulling over the possibility of considering the idea of changing my mind…

Thranduil: *mutters something about it being far too similar for comfort*]

Usually they just exchanged a few sharp words and then stormed off.

[Thranduil: *offers something invisible to Haldir* Here, have a verb. Careful, they’re sharp!

Haldir: Thanks. Want some pronouns?

Thranduil: No, I’m trying to give them up.

El: Has anyone seen the pluperfects?

Haldir: Pluperfects? Ergh, don’t touch them, they leave a horrible aftertaste.

*sniggering*]

The twins had been slowly walking toward each other the whole time, and now they were less than a foot apart.

[El: Less than a foot? So, a toe?

Thranduil: An ankle?

Haldir: An Achilles tendon?]

Without warning, Elladan pushed Elrohir, shoving him back a few steps. The younger twin retaliated violently, punching him in the face. Elladan reeled back, shocked. Then his eyes narrowed.

[Haldir: What’s so strange about that? My brothers and I used to beat each other up all the time.

El: *looks mischievious* *knuckles his arm*

Haldir: Hey! *pokes her in the eye*

El: Oi!

*Things soon descend into all-out wrestling*

Thranduil: *with a long-suffering air* Now, children, can’t we play nicely?

*Haldir almost has El in a headlock and is pulling her hair, while El is trying to bite his arm and kick him in the shins at the same time* *when Thranduil glares at them both manage to free a hand and meekly declare a truce*

Thranduil: *rolls eyes and mutters about bloody juvenile humans and Lothlorien Elves, although being stuck with Galadriel would make anyone a bit loopy* *recieves glares from the other two*]

“You… I… just…. Oh, that is enough!” Elladan stammered. “I am out of here!” He span around, and then ran out the door into the driving rain.

[El: Yes, Elladan! Run! Run freeeeeeeeeee!

Haldir: And take everyone else with you!

Thranduil: Except the author! We’ll deal with her!]

Elrohir stood for a spilt second, open-mouthed with shock, looking a bit like a very young elfling lost in the forest.

[El: Channeling Elured and Elurin, are we?

Haldir: Forest? Pfft. He wouldn’t know a real forest if one came and sat on him.

Thranduil: That’s pretty rich coming from someone who lives in a manicured garden.

Haldir: Oh yes, because this spider-infested bramble patch of yours really trumps the Golden Wood.

El: Yes, yes, they’re both as forest-y and Elvish as each other and you two can stop pontificating about them, thanks.

Thranduil: Pontificating? Now wait just a minute…]

Then he shouted after him, “Fine!” and stormed up to his room.

[El: More apostrophes needed, stat!]

Aragorn started to go after Elladan, but Elrond caught him by the arm to stop him. “No.” He said firmly. “Your brother will come back when he is ready.” He sighed. “Now go up to your room. Leave Elrohir be for a while, he needs some time to cool down.”

[Haldir: *as Aragorn* ‘Hey! Why do I have to go to my room?’

Thranduil: *as Elrond* ‘Because you’re distracting me and I need to consider thinking about changing my mind!’

*sniggering*]

Elrond was rather shaken.

[Thranduil: *rolls eyes* Always had a delicate constitution, that one. Must be all the human in him.

El: Hey!]

The twins had had a nasty fight or two before, but they had never been at blows. He decided to go and talk to Elrohir about it later, and see what had Elladan so livid.

[El: Why later? Why not immediately?

Haldir: Because he had a headache from all the thinking and needed to lie down.]

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[El: *covers face* Ai, the text-speak! It burns!]

Elladan sat down on a rock in a secluded clearing that was in the middle of the forest.

[Haldir: He got to the middle of the forest immediately? Elrond really must’ve let the place go…

Thranduil: And there wasn’t much to let go in the first place.]

After punching several things, he had felt better. But he was still angry. Angry with Elrohir.

[Thranduil: So why doesn’t he just go and punch Elrohir? A few blows and everything feels better… *notices El and Haldir curling their hands into fists* …and that’s not an invitation to start another brawl.

Haldir and El: *sulk*]

The bushes rustled. The elf looked up, startled.

[El: The author! She’s found him again! Run, Elf! Run for you liiiiiiiiiife!]

A wolf prowled out of the bushes, quickly followed by two more. Elladan reached for his knife, then realized with horror he didn’t have it with him.

[Haldir: Oh, for the love of Eru. If he’s still in Imladris then these ‘wolves’ are just Elrond’s guard dogs and he’ll be fine.

Thranduil: And if not, there is such a thing as climbing a tree.

El: Or throwing rocks at them.

Thranduil: Or running back to Imladris, since he appears to be in the gardens.

*muttering of curses on the author*]

He was completely helpless as the first wolf jumped him.

[*dead silence*

El: Argh! Mustn’t think about it, mustn’t think about it… think of nice things, like trees, and kittens, and daisies…

Haldir: *looks disgusted* What a note to end the chapter on!

El: …and swords, and balrogs…

Thranduil: I suppose the author’s trying for suspense. *to El* Would you shut up? You mortals are so squeamish.

El: Squeamish?

Haldir: Which reminds me, about Lothlorien…

El: I’ll give you squeamish, you smug nancing buggers!

Haldir: ‘Nancing’? *to Thranduil* Right, making you eat dirt for what you said about Lothlorien can wait.

Thranduil: As can beating you to a bloody pulp for your comments about Mirkwood. Elves against mortals first! *they shake hands*

*El has disappeared*

Haldir: *marches out the door* Come out here, mortal! I’ll show you how ‘nancing’ a real Elf is!

Thranduil: *follows him out of the room* El? Where are… *sudden silence* What are you doing with that paint? Come away from the throne! *gasps* You wouldn’t dare! …Alright, alright, you would dare! But there’s no need for that. El, put the paint down. Put the paint down and no-one gets hurt…]

(To be continued...)