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elvenpirateladyWell, this is what happens when you have errant muses and an impending exam for Ancient Greek and Roman Culture. The exam was tolerable, and the fic almost wrote itself. I seem to do humour better. Apart from uni subjects, the thing that inspired me was Greywing's hilarious fic Mistaken Identities - go and read it.
Title: Mythic Grandeur
Disclaimer: Tolkien owns the Valar, Greek mythology belongs to the Greeks, and the crack belongs to me.
Summary: The Valar have different reactions to the latest collection of tales about them to come out of Middle-earth...
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Title: Mythic Grandeur
Disclaimer: Tolkien owns the Valar, Greek mythology belongs to the Greeks, and the crack belongs to me.
Summary: The Valar have different reactions to the latest collection of tales about them to come out of Middle-earth...
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Ulmo looked at the paper in front of him. ‘Well? What is it?’
‘The latest myths about us,’ Eönwë replied. ‘I was going for a fly over Middle-earth when I heard them and I thought the rest of you might be interested.’
Ulmo skimmed over the page. ‘Nothing seems to have changed. I still rule the sea, Tulkas is still the strongest, and Mandos still gets confused with his dwelling-place.’
‘Look further down.’
Obediently, he read on. What he found surprised him. ‘According to this, Mandos is married to Vána.’
‘What?!’ chorused Vairë and Oromë.
‘That was not my idea,’ Mandos said quickly, as his wife glared at him.
‘Nor mine,’ Vána added, edging her chair closer to her husband.
Vairë leaned over to look at the paper. She frowned. ‘Why have they made me not one goddess, but three?’
‘Because you’re more than one god can handle,’ Tulkas muttered, and ducked the ball of wool thrown at him.
Ulmo passed the paper on to the person sitting next to him, which happened to be Nienna. She read through it in silence, and smiled a rare smile. ‘Ah, they still remember my wisdom.’
‘And your weaving, apparently,’ said Tulkas, peering over her shoulder. ‘But I’m sure that was just a misunderstanding,’ he added hastily, as Vairë looked positively murderous.
Oromë was talking to Eönwë, pressing him for more information about what the humans thought of him. ‘Wine, you say? Half-naked women, you say?’ Tulkas was also looking interested, which made Nessa scowl and stalk off muttering that becoming a virgin goddess of the hunt didn’t sound like such a bad idea under the circumstances.
The paper passed to Aulë, who took one look at it and burst out laughing. When the others looked at him curiously, he explained, ‘I will be interested to see Arien’s reaction to this, since they believe that the sun is a god.’
‘We should be grateful, then, that she will be in her sun form for the foreseeable future,’ Mandos replied. At that moment, the sun appeared from behind a cloud, refracted light through a water droplet on one of Ulmo’s fingers, and burned a neat hole through the paper. Aulë hastily passed it on to his wife.
Yavanna nodded approvingly at being portrayed as the goddess of the harvest, but looked shocked as she read further. ‘They call me the goddess of love? Why would they do that? It’s almost as if they’re calling me a–’
‘It’s probably because of the fruit,’ Tulkas said, and caught the apple lobbed at his head easily.
Yavanna glared at him, and turned to her husband with a concerned look on her face. ‘Aren’t you upset that they think you’re a cripple?’
Aulë shrugged. ‘As long as I can still use my hands.’
‘What about me being their goddess of love?’
‘I certainly don’t mind. I always thought you were the most beautiful goddess of all.’ They gave each other loving looks that made the rest of the Valar feel very unwell.
By then the paper had made its way all around the circle, and Ulmo looked at it again. ‘I see that Morgoth is still the god of war and chaos.’
‘As well he should be,’ Mandos replied. ‘Don’t you remember that other story we heard about him convincing Manwë to dress up as his own wife?’ He looked thoughtful. ‘Where is Manwë, anyway?’
Eönwë suddenly looked nervous. ‘I… er… showed him the paper.’
‘But there’s nothing about him.’
‘Look on the other side.’
Ulmo obediently turned the paper over. Apart from a line of writing at the top, it appeared to be a list of women, and was quite extensive. He suddenly realised what it was. ‘You showed this to Manwë?’
‘Yes.’ Eönwë squirmed under their accusing stares. ‘He almost looked pleased, until…’
‘Until what?’
‘Until Varda found it.’
Then the Vala in question sped past them, followed closely by several tiny suns. They couldn’t see Varda, but they could hear her well enough.
‘KING OF THE GODS? BLOODY GIGOLO OF THE GODS IS MORE LIKE IT! GET BACK HERE AND EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO ME THIS INSTANT!’
An awkward silence fell, until Ulmo looked at Eönwë again. ‘I think it would be wise to find some different myths about us as soon as possible.’
------------------------------------------
Who’s who:
Manwë/Zeus – king of the gods and the weather, and fathered half of Ancient Greece if the stories are to be believed.
Varda/Hera – his wife, who is understandably none too impressed at his antics.
Mandos/Hades – god of the dead and the underworld, and who seems to get confused with his dwelling-place no matter what era it is.
Vairë/Moirae – the Fates, three goddesses in Greek mythology and one according to the Valar.
Eönwë/Hermes – messenger of the gods.
Tulkas/Herakles – the champion of the gods, not terribly bright but very strong.
Vána/Persephone – goddess of spring, flowers, and other happy things.
Nienna/Athena – goddess of war, weaving and wisdom.
Oromë/Dionysos – god of wine, song and partying. His followers were mostly women and were called the Maenads, and were more or less the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ of Ancient Greece.
Nessa/Artemis – virgin goddess of the hunt and protector of young animals and children.
Arien/Apollo – sun god(dess).
Yavanna/Demeter/Aphrodite – goddess of the earth and also of love and beauty in this case. Aphrodite was associated with apples because they symbolised fertility. The entire Trojan war, in fact, was essentially caused by one apple – Paris had to choose which of Hera, Athena and Aphrodite would get a golden apple. Aphrodite promised to make the most beautiful woman in the world fall in love with him, so he gave it to her. Helen eloped with Paris, and that’s what started the whole mess.
Aulë/Hephaistos – god of smiths and metal. He was married to Aphrodite (who was not terribly pleased about it), but divorced her after she committed adultery with…
Morgoth/Ares – god of war, chaos and destruction (which makes him different to Nienna/Athena, who was the goddess of righteous war). In Greek mythology he’s not really evil, but the chaos and destruction part fits Morgoth perfectly. The story about Manwë dressing up as his wife comes from Norse mythology, and Morgoth would be Loki there. Loki started off as a trickster god, dangerous but not malignant, but eventually turned evil.
‘The latest myths about us,’ Eönwë replied. ‘I was going for a fly over Middle-earth when I heard them and I thought the rest of you might be interested.’
Ulmo skimmed over the page. ‘Nothing seems to have changed. I still rule the sea, Tulkas is still the strongest, and Mandos still gets confused with his dwelling-place.’
‘Look further down.’
Obediently, he read on. What he found surprised him. ‘According to this, Mandos is married to Vána.’
‘What?!’ chorused Vairë and Oromë.
‘That was not my idea,’ Mandos said quickly, as his wife glared at him.
‘Nor mine,’ Vána added, edging her chair closer to her husband.
Vairë leaned over to look at the paper. She frowned. ‘Why have they made me not one goddess, but three?’
‘Because you’re more than one god can handle,’ Tulkas muttered, and ducked the ball of wool thrown at him.
Ulmo passed the paper on to the person sitting next to him, which happened to be Nienna. She read through it in silence, and smiled a rare smile. ‘Ah, they still remember my wisdom.’
‘And your weaving, apparently,’ said Tulkas, peering over her shoulder. ‘But I’m sure that was just a misunderstanding,’ he added hastily, as Vairë looked positively murderous.
Oromë was talking to Eönwë, pressing him for more information about what the humans thought of him. ‘Wine, you say? Half-naked women, you say?’ Tulkas was also looking interested, which made Nessa scowl and stalk off muttering that becoming a virgin goddess of the hunt didn’t sound like such a bad idea under the circumstances.
The paper passed to Aulë, who took one look at it and burst out laughing. When the others looked at him curiously, he explained, ‘I will be interested to see Arien’s reaction to this, since they believe that the sun is a god.’
‘We should be grateful, then, that she will be in her sun form for the foreseeable future,’ Mandos replied. At that moment, the sun appeared from behind a cloud, refracted light through a water droplet on one of Ulmo’s fingers, and burned a neat hole through the paper. Aulë hastily passed it on to his wife.
Yavanna nodded approvingly at being portrayed as the goddess of the harvest, but looked shocked as she read further. ‘They call me the goddess of love? Why would they do that? It’s almost as if they’re calling me a–’
‘It’s probably because of the fruit,’ Tulkas said, and caught the apple lobbed at his head easily.
Yavanna glared at him, and turned to her husband with a concerned look on her face. ‘Aren’t you upset that they think you’re a cripple?’
Aulë shrugged. ‘As long as I can still use my hands.’
‘What about me being their goddess of love?’
‘I certainly don’t mind. I always thought you were the most beautiful goddess of all.’ They gave each other loving looks that made the rest of the Valar feel very unwell.
By then the paper had made its way all around the circle, and Ulmo looked at it again. ‘I see that Morgoth is still the god of war and chaos.’
‘As well he should be,’ Mandos replied. ‘Don’t you remember that other story we heard about him convincing Manwë to dress up as his own wife?’ He looked thoughtful. ‘Where is Manwë, anyway?’
Eönwë suddenly looked nervous. ‘I… er… showed him the paper.’
‘But there’s nothing about him.’
‘Look on the other side.’
Ulmo obediently turned the paper over. Apart from a line of writing at the top, it appeared to be a list of women, and was quite extensive. He suddenly realised what it was. ‘You showed this to Manwë?’
‘Yes.’ Eönwë squirmed under their accusing stares. ‘He almost looked pleased, until…’
‘Until what?’
‘Until Varda found it.’
Then the Vala in question sped past them, followed closely by several tiny suns. They couldn’t see Varda, but they could hear her well enough.
‘KING OF THE GODS? BLOODY GIGOLO OF THE GODS IS MORE LIKE IT! GET BACK HERE AND EXPLAIN ALL THIS TO ME THIS INSTANT!’
An awkward silence fell, until Ulmo looked at Eönwë again. ‘I think it would be wise to find some different myths about us as soon as possible.’
------------------------------------------
Who’s who:
Manwë/Zeus – king of the gods and the weather, and fathered half of Ancient Greece if the stories are to be believed.
Varda/Hera – his wife, who is understandably none too impressed at his antics.
Mandos/Hades – god of the dead and the underworld, and who seems to get confused with his dwelling-place no matter what era it is.
Vairë/Moirae – the Fates, three goddesses in Greek mythology and one according to the Valar.
Eönwë/Hermes – messenger of the gods.
Tulkas/Herakles – the champion of the gods, not terribly bright but very strong.
Vána/Persephone – goddess of spring, flowers, and other happy things.
Nienna/Athena – goddess of war, weaving and wisdom.
Oromë/Dionysos – god of wine, song and partying. His followers were mostly women and were called the Maenads, and were more or less the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ of Ancient Greece.
Nessa/Artemis – virgin goddess of the hunt and protector of young animals and children.
Arien/Apollo – sun god(dess).
Yavanna/Demeter/Aphrodite – goddess of the earth and also of love and beauty in this case. Aphrodite was associated with apples because they symbolised fertility. The entire Trojan war, in fact, was essentially caused by one apple – Paris had to choose which of Hera, Athena and Aphrodite would get a golden apple. Aphrodite promised to make the most beautiful woman in the world fall in love with him, so he gave it to her. Helen eloped with Paris, and that’s what started the whole mess.
Aulë/Hephaistos – god of smiths and metal. He was married to Aphrodite (who was not terribly pleased about it), but divorced her after she committed adultery with…
Morgoth/Ares – god of war, chaos and destruction (which makes him different to Nienna/Athena, who was the goddess of righteous war). In Greek mythology he’s not really evil, but the chaos and destruction part fits Morgoth perfectly. The story about Manwë dressing up as his wife comes from Norse mythology, and Morgoth would be Loki there. Loki started off as a trickster god, dangerous but not malignant, but eventually turned evil.
