I'm a bit late to get on the comforting-wagon, but I hear you.
I had a Middle-Earth self-insert, too. Her name was Ciorina, and I dug through the family trees for ages until I found a Baggins who could possibly have married an elf and therefore made her half-elf, half-hobbit - for putting in that much effort, I thought I was so much better than other writers. Looking back, I shake my head and sigh. I'm still ashamed, but I'll call her a Mary Sue 'til the end of my days. Despite everything you've said here, I don't think there's anything wrong with that; yes, there is a sense that "Mary Sue" = "irredeemable", but what I see as the centre of the problem with most Suefics is that the plots are practically impossible to do right - everything's too easy, there are Uncanon Magic Tools and so on and so forth. Things better writing alone couldn't cure.
But that's not the point, so let me change the subject.
As I see it, the simple thing is, at that age, none of us were nearly as mature as we thought. I'm absolutely certain that everyone that age has made some absolutely stupid, hypocritical and selfish mistakes - which is why I can now laugh (or sigh) at the teenagers who think they're adults just because they've finally grown tall enough to pass for one. That's just how we are as teens; self-centered. And for the record, I use the term "teenager" lightly - some people continue to act like that well into their twenties; some, for most of their lives. That's the part of life in which we're trying to grow out of childhood and figure ourselves out, which means making a lot of mistakes. No one can grow up without making mistakes.
So for exactly that reason, the problem keeps coming up; most Suethors are young, and while I'm not saying that this makes them all, without exception, selfish and hypocritical, it does mean that they haven't had time to experience things from multiple angles, as we - being older - have. So the best thing we can do is put up gentle posts that offer guidance from experience and hope they care enough to listen. I remember an essay by Merlin Missy in which she talked about older authos having taken "the scenic route" through fanfiction - I think this is the same.
The short of this is, don't scold yourself so badly. You were young. You grew up. What's done is done and you're even going the extra step of trying to make things better. That makes you a good person.
And if that doesn't make you feel better, think of it this way: Even if you did hurt people, even a lot of people, it was a long time ago, and regardless, they'll have gotten over it by now. Whether they're still writing or have gone on to enjoy playing sport all day, you haven't irrevocably ruined anyone's life.
Also, you don't have to feel guilty for your preferences when it comes to what you read. You're not obliged to read anything, and if something isn't your taste, regardless of whether that's because of Sueish traits, canon errors, or just focusing on a character you don't like, that is YOUR CHOICE. There are way too many fics out there to read. You are certainly not obliged to review them, regardless of the communcal guilt-pressure of "I reviewed yooooours".
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-04-16 07:00 am (UTC)I had a Middle-Earth self-insert, too. Her name was Ciorina, and I dug through the family trees for ages until I found a Baggins who could possibly have married an elf and therefore made her half-elf, half-hobbit - for putting in that much effort, I thought I was so much better than other writers. Looking back, I shake my head and sigh. I'm still ashamed, but I'll call her a Mary Sue 'til the end of my days. Despite everything you've said here, I don't think there's anything wrong with that; yes, there is a sense that "Mary Sue" = "irredeemable", but what I see as the centre of the problem with most Suefics is that the plots are practically impossible to do right - everything's too easy, there are Uncanon Magic Tools and so on and so forth. Things better writing alone couldn't cure.
But that's not the point, so let me change the subject.
As I see it, the simple thing is, at that age, none of us were nearly as mature as we thought. I'm absolutely certain that everyone that age has made some absolutely stupid, hypocritical and selfish mistakes - which is why I can now laugh (or sigh) at the teenagers who think they're adults just because they've finally grown tall enough to pass for one. That's just how we are as teens; self-centered. And for the record, I use the term "teenager" lightly - some people continue to act like that well into their twenties; some, for most of their lives. That's the part of life in which we're trying to grow out of childhood and figure ourselves out, which means making a lot of mistakes. No one can grow up without making mistakes.
So for exactly that reason, the problem keeps coming up; most Suethors are young, and while I'm not saying that this makes them all, without exception, selfish and hypocritical, it does mean that they haven't had time to experience things from multiple angles, as we - being older - have. So the best thing we can do is put up gentle posts that offer guidance from experience and hope they care enough to listen. I remember an essay by Merlin Missy in which she talked about older authos having taken "the scenic route" through fanfiction - I think this is the same.
The short of this is, don't scold yourself so badly. You were young. You grew up. What's done is done and you're even going the extra step of trying to make things better. That makes you a good person.
And if that doesn't make you feel better, think of it this way: Even if you did hurt people, even a lot of people, it was a long time ago, and regardless, they'll have gotten over it by now. Whether they're still writing or have gone on to enjoy playing sport all day, you haven't irrevocably ruined anyone's life.
Also, you don't have to feel guilty for your preferences when it comes to what you read. You're not obliged to read anything, and if something isn't your taste, regardless of whether that's because of Sueish traits, canon errors, or just focusing on a character you don't like, that is YOUR CHOICE. There are way too many fics out there to read. You are certainly not obliged to review them, regardless of the communcal guilt-pressure of "I reviewed yooooours".
(Sorry if this is a bit topic-jumpy.)